Here we are in the beginning of July. Summer for everyone finally. Although the past year or more has been, oh so different, July has come again.
For those of us who know the journey of life with grief and as I usually mention, this can be a journey in life, with grief, in grief or surrounded by it, drowning in it, suffering in silence in grief and all and any other variables that you may find yourself experiencing. The unusual side of grief is that there is no “one size fits all”.
What I find many times is that my own anger can creep up on me from out of nowhere, from one moment to the next any day can be “so called normal” to a then very unhappy day. For many years now I have been brought to the point of tears by seeing the smallest act of compassion, a tv advert can be overwhelmingly touching to the heart. Though allow me to divert a little to a different kind of day. A day where it is not sorrow or tears. A day where I may find myself quite angry.
There are times when we as humans are not processing our emotions in a healthy way and sometimes we may not even be dealing with anything at all. In a life that has much grief in it like mine, sometimes we can find ourselves numb. Numb to our emotions and then quite often the outcome is that we become angry. When we do not process our feelings we can cover them up or hold on to them with such strength that we begin to feel tired all of the time. When we reach boiling point which can often be the time when we have simply run out of energy to stuff our horrible feelings any longer and BOOM! A ton of anger can be released. Although this may not be the most healthiest of options for us, there are times in grief that we may have had no other option.
Days like today though.
My feelings are in check and my emotional health is quite well. So where is the anger coming from if it is not from stuffed emotions?
Just another day in the life kind of day where the feeling of anger is it’s own natural feeling. Not the covered over emotional mess of numb days. A day where I mark the anniversary of the passing of my second son Patrick.
Yup, it happens once a year each and every year ever since.
My anger of course is that I wish I never had the experience of losing you Patrick.
My anger is that I do not want this day in my life.
My anger is that of not having to dig as deep as I can inside of myself to face this day and find the energy to cope.
My anger is that I have no words to fully explain how I feel about not having you here with me.
7 years ago Patrick drowned in a swimming pool and he was 1 year and 4 months old.
Today Patrick you would be 8 years and 4 months old.
My dreams of how you would look today, would you play soccer in the summer breeze, would you speak English and Spanish fluently?
Yes these kinds of questions have no answers and the reault can be an angry moment or three.
I try to build myself up for this day each year and I always remain as open as possible to the idea or how I will only know this day and how it will be by this moment now as I sit here writing on the day of Patrick’s anniversary.
I welcome the anger and all of it’s energy.
7 years on and does it get any easier?
Is today any different?
Today I could lose my absolute mind and go bananas
More than likely I will take things easy and slowly and enjoy every breath.
I will remember you as I do everyday and find comfort in my memories of your beauty.
For those of you who also find these days tough, I am right there with you. You are not alone.