Happy Tuesday folks.
A little post of what is going on in my head today.
I am always writing stuff and promoting my blog posts, which are my random thoughts on various things that can occur for me on any given day & of course I wrote and published my memoirs and self~help books, for these reasons, promotion goes on and on but this is different.
I wrote my memoir TWO sons TOO many. Mostly because I was #Inspired to write having had to bury my two children.
Many people told me that “to lose one child is too much”
And I always thought yes, one is too much and to lose TWO sons is TOO many….
So why this post today ?
I write a lot of blog posts to express myself and how the dimension I have now been forced to live in as many (actually all of you) know. For every one person that has heard this piece of my story a thousand times. There are new people that are learning these things for the first time & so I post.
There are those who say they find my books “inspirational” & “gives them motivation” . I feel good for those reasons.
The real nuts and bolts though that may go beyond those who have never lost a child is that we know, we know what we have been left with as far as life or “A” life is concerned.
The part that brings me to post is that and if you are still reading we are getting there I promise.
The part is,
there is a box of let’s say we call it “conformity”.
To conform to society and society’s standards and expectations. We all, in one shape or form or another have conformed all of our life to live within this “box” of “conformity” and that is totally fine.
For those of you who know baseball, imagine it as the box that the pitcher must get the ball in to for a strike. It is a box that exists but is not actually real. It is an invented box that society has placed around our lives and how people should act and behave and carry themselves through life.
There are those who have chosen to live outside of the box and such sayings as ” think outside of the box” you are all familiar with.
So, I definitely do not mean to bore you with this at all, keep reading I am getting there I promise.
This box, a set of standards and rules that are not really written but do exist within society and we all live within them.
What happens when we lose our child ?
What happens when we lose our children ?
What happens when we sit by a grave side and watch our most beautiful treasure ever, get buried ?
What just happened ?
For me and my take on it, we have now moved outside of the box.
We now have entered into an arena that came with no rules, no guidelines, no historic texts to learn from.
We have now moved to a barren land where society has not yet formed. Is it the desert ?
Perhaps, many times it resembles such a vast empty place, for sure!
What can be done for us now ?
We are parents who have lost children, we are the un-labelled group of “misfits” that even some of our most dear and close friends do not have words for us, nor do they know what to say.
Think about it for a minute.
When a man loses his wife he becomes a “widower” I believe is his title.
When a woman loses her husband she becomes a “widow”.
When a child loses their parents, they become an orphan.
When a parent loses their child………
There is no fancy title. And that’s that.
The tools we have to cope are zero, the job or the game of life has just become harder than any of us have ever imagined.
So WTF ? (What the Fuck)
It is upon us to try to make sense of everything like a child learning everything for the first time, we do not know how to deal with life anymore. Every thing now becomes a first again. Quite possible that the last time we experienced “firsts” was when our child was doing things for the first time.
We feel anxious over the smallest thing, a routine piece of life.
We feel like there is no end to any hurt
We feel like we cannot be productive, we feel like we have lost everything. Every piece of life has left from us because to bury our children has been the equivalent of burying our very own soul.
So where is the motivation in all this ?
Where is the inspiration ?
I offer to you a concept for consideration and consideration only, if it fits for you then that would be awesome.
Remember the box of society and conform? Well you have been excused from any obligation to live to those standards set by society.
You have now entered an area society does not understand on a whole. However it is ourselves that continue, out of habit to hold ourselves accountable to the standards set by society.
We must go very easy on ourselves, cry when we need to and cry when we do not need to.
Take a day off when you can and breathe for yourself. Yes that’s right, just breathe. No thinking, no feeling, just breathe.
When a passer by says “look at that lady talking to herself and just breathing over there” that is okay. We do not live by the box rules anymore.
Allow yourself to not continue to hold yourself to some high and mighty standard of what life is supposed to be like.
Say this, repeat it and remember it.
Life is no longer the same.
We read more, we go outside less, we gaze at the sky like we are thinking of ways of how we could just fly away to somewhere up there.
We still belong to society and have active roles within the box of the norm, but society does not understand us.
We must understand us, we must be ok with not being able to see a friend and their children today because we are jealous and envious of their happy life.
We cannot watch certain movies as all of our feelings can come rushing at us at once and can floor us.
We need to go easy on ourselves and though it is so hard to accept the loss of our child, a big part is accepting our new limitations of how we cannot perform exactly the same within the box of life where society operates.
If we place less emphasis on labels in our life, are we grieving properly ?
Screw it, there is not a right or wrong way..
Will we be able for the family get together ?
Screw it, do not go if you do not wish to.
Will I be able to smile at everyone at a work bbq ?
Screw it, don’t smile at everybody.
Can I have my friend and her children over for coffee.
Screw it, ask her to leave her kids at home and come by herself.
Can I look at the pictures of my child as I cry for how I miss them?
Screw it, don’t look at the pictures.
In these examples all that I am trying to say or explain is, there will be days when you can do all of the above and there will be days when you cannot. Both of which are okay.
I Have found to become more and more okay with the likes of these society type things by acknowledging that sometimes I just cannot.
I carry a pain not many understand so I cannot expect anything from anybody.
It is entirely up to ourselves, yes as if things were not lonely enough already.
Couples grieve differently as do each of us, like finger prints, no two people have the same prints. So it is a lonely buzz to say the least.
Allow yourself to be. Yes Just BE.
Do the basics if you cannot muster anything else.
Shower as regularly as possible. Eat when you can but be sure to eat and hydrate.
For me the most important.
Take deep breaths and focus on them.
When something seems so intense, breathe maybe one two or three deep breaths and just listen to how your lungs work. Think of nothing else in front of you.
Fill your lungs with the air that is filled with the spirit of your child. Feel how your nose takes in the air.
That’s about as simple and basic as our life can now be and these little things called breath help me to go outside and participate in society. When it becomes too much on any given day I do retreat and when that is not possible I run my check list.
Did I shower today?
Did I eat today ?
Did I allow myself to breathe ?
I am sorry for your loss, anyone who has managed to read down this far. If you liked the read, please give a comment, share the post for your friends to also know and of course the promotional side of the post.
My book page is @TWOsonsTOOmany
I would love if you can stop by and like and share any of my posts there.
My memoir, this book has been all about building my monument to my two little boys and I will continue on as this is my grieving.
Happy Tuesday & have a beautiful week.
I am a person who has lost his children and it has taken me to dig to great depths inside of myself to be able to share with you today. The length at which I will go to is beyond your comprehension.
I wish to offer any help I can to anyone who grieves.
The loss of a child is something that I will always struggle with and more so as a writer, I will struggle to put it into words.
I am aware there are so many people who struggle with grief and loss, that somebody like me has to make posts like this, so that anyone who does grieve their child can know they are not alone. Also so that anyone who is a friend or sibling of someone who has lost a child, so that you may know how hard it actually is for a parent to miss their child in such a way that makes hurt and emotional pain seem unbearable.
I do not post for your sympathies, absolutely not. I do not solely post to bring you to buy and read my books.
I make a post like this to help bring about a snippet of understanding to both people like me who have lost children to the grave and for people who have not suffered the loss of a child. So that you may take a single second to imagine how hard it can be.
If you are more aware, then perhaps there is a chance you might go a little easier on someone who has lost their child.
And of course for the same or by the same reason for all parents who are like me that have had to sit by a grave and watch their child be buried.
I wish for you to go easy on yourself too.
Go so easy on yourself that you can be accused of taking a holiday.
This covid 19 mess is no joke and the lock down can bring about many strange feelings and thoughts for people.
I know there are many of you out there who are having some feelings amplified by the lock down as you have been kinda forced in to feeling and thinking a little harder about your grief.
Wash your hands and be very nice to your emotions.