What are the stages of grief?
The professionals and by professionals I mean, psychologists and therapists and the book that teaches about such things as grief for example. There are said to be stages of grief in the theory book.
Like at some point someone may pass through some various stages in their own journey in or with grief.
The big cry for example.
I have heard it said that people who are living with grief or in grief or even grieving, that they will at some point in time have a very big and long cry. What I have heard said from both bereaved parents and therapists, that somewhere along the path of grief will come a time when a big cry will happen and that it might be scary or it might be welcomed. Either way it might just happen and to let it happen. When it does.
So I guess in a format or type of “stages” type of journey, the big cry could be classed as one of the stages of grief.
It is broad and quite non specific and to anyone who has begun a journey with grief, this idea of a nice even path with certain stages along the way, well I have to insert in here FUCK THAT!
Here are some stages for you and they can occur at any time and on any given day.
How about this for a stage of grief, how about the day where…..
I say “fuck you” to the world and all of you in it….
Yup that is a real stage in grief. We can look at it a little deeper and we can imagine that perhaps it comes from a deep anger and in resentment of the world as there is no logical reason as to why I should feel so much like shit because of missing my loved one.
The anger toward the world could also be because of how it is not possible for my mind to understand how other people just “don’t understand”.
The anger can be because it is so real and so difficult to explain that I cannot communicate my feelings properly.
So, the anger is and my attitude are derived totally from a frustration of not being able to see where any other person can know this pain or understand this pain and I cannot explain it or communicate it.
Yup this is a real stage of grief.
Something that also can be quite difficult during any time in grief like this one is that there has never been any open discussion or class on the subject.
I have never sat in on a class where it was all explained to me and so for this reason, I have never been prepared for such deep emotional pain. When someone has no clue of how to manage this pain and when there is no quick fix to the pain, a real stage of grief can be the “FUCK YOU” to the entire world.
How about a stage in grief called “guilt”, feeling guilty.
Oh that is a beauty alright.
Feeling guilty for what exactly? Guilty that they just died?
How about the times when I or anybody living in grief just straight catches themselves forgetting their loved one for a split second. Just a little momentary lapse and then an absolute mountain of guilt because we forgot about them for a millisecond.
Yup another “stage”.
There are no 5 or 7 stages to this grief stuff. Probably why I used the “fuck that” in the title.
I can have a “guilt moment” approximately 400 times in one day.
Let us couple together with that about 100 fuck you moments throughout a day also. Do you still think we can just call these stages?
What a lovely label though, “the stages of grief”. I would like to draw your attention to or shed some light on another doozy (is that even a word, doozy?)
The times when plain old “SAD” shows up.
Sad for no reason, yes of course we are sad because we have lost our loved one, to death. I am talking about a sad that has nothing to do with anything. A sad that could be easily termed or labelled as “depression” or for those that knew how we have been all of our lives could possibly label it as “manic depression”.
A sadness that is just like the anger and the frustration, only not with any energy. The feelings of how there is no point or there are no reasons for anything. Nada.
Yup, can we just casually place a label on this?
How about another one?
The times when we feel like we are so grateful to have known our loved and for their time on this earth with us.
We can become grateful to all of the people in the world and every little thing in it because we want to show our appreciation to mother nature for allowing us to live and share loving moments with the person we have lost.
Another beautiful label, I am certain one exists for this too. Is this a stage of grief though? Having gratitude?
The above are just a few to mention and as an independent writer who has focused hard on delivering through my books some deeper explanations and some more reasoning for these things, I must always continue to promote and advertise my books.
Should you or someone you know be experiencing some of these tougher “mental health” or emotional health issues because of your own journey in living with or in grief, then of course I highly recommnend you check out my book titled Layman’s Handbook, in life. A journey to SELF.
I wrote this book to demonstrate to myself that the stages of grief are nothing but a load of nonsense. I wrote it to share how my journey has been and what I have learned in living with grief.
I also promote my books as part of my ongoing journey within and living with grief.
Now I am aware that I have only touched on three little issues above and that there are many more. I am also aware that any of you who are reading this right now and who know exactly what I am talking about as you may live with grief everyday. Then you will also know that there are days that are much more difficult than others. I write to you and for you to make a tiny tiny zero point zero, zero zero 1 percent effort in bringing about a “normal” to grief.
The topics I used as examples have a high stench of mental health issues and to imagine that any normal fun living individual can go from a happy jolly life to a daily battle with grief and such issues is something very real and very difficult for any individual to have to cope with or live through.
For all the rest of you around them, I ask you to try and imagine. Once upon a time that person was quite “fine” the next day they seemed to be all over the place. Mentally and emotional spent.
These are the pieces that many will not speak about because it does not exist in the world to have any deep and meaningful conversations around the subject of grief and those who live with it daily, most of the time they do not have the energy to invest into a conversation as they have an underlying feeling of who they are talking with has absolutely no understanding of how hard it is.
Figure that catch 22 out.
I also would like to take a moment to highlight how the little examples I used above can also happen all together or back to back and make for one hell of a shitty day for someone.
Sad and do not wish to get out bed, so angry that they feel like smashing the mirror as the wash their face in the morning. Turning their phone to silent so as not to receive any phone calls while they are getting dressed for work. Losing ten minutes just staring out in the garden at a little Robin and imagining that the beautiful little Robin is a sign from their deceased loved one and then circle right back to “fuck this world”.
This can all happen before someone even sits down to take some cornflakes in the morning.
Before even a text has been sent or received and or before the world has had any chance to begin to raise its issues for the day.
Because of such feelings and confusion about the feelings, anyone living with grief is already stuck for words before the day has even started.
Then along comes the world and all of its “problems”.
I am not saying that because a person is grieving that they need to be given allowances or to go easy on them as that can often lead to more awkward moments and more confusion surrounding feelings. I guess I am saying though, grief is one hell of a deep web and not easily understood, by the person in it or the professionals who deal with such grieving people.
To normalise grief would be a great step for all. To speak about grief would be a great topic of conversation so that it can no longer be such the hush hush topic.
To bring about some normal to it can help those living with grief and those not living in greif.
I would probably still have the feeling fo how nobody could possibly understand and still be crippled from time to time with feelings.
What I can say for certain though, is that no amount of time has helped any for my own journey. It all still hurts and there are many fuck you days. What I am certain about is that it is an enlightening journey and has been a very real journey. For this I am grateful, I have learned so much and I know so little.
To encourage you in your early stages of grief, I say to you. It sucks and it is very difficult. You may never understand any of it. Stay the course and you will find a whole new deeper side to yourself that you never knew existed. As for how hurtful it can be, there are many times where life can be so beautiful as a result of stretching your emotional self so far. It may sound strange right now, all I know is that it can become a better life again and it is worth every drop of emotional suffering you have experienced thus far.
The stretching to the limits of pain also has a flip side, the other side of that stretch is a beautiful feeling place too. In grief and with grief there is a beautiful place to be found.
Stages of grief, fuck that.